Candidate T119

That's me. One out of 30 trumpet players. Almost all of the rest of whom were definitely out of school, definitely a lot older and experienced than me and definitely did not look happy to be there. I'm pretty sure I was the only one who smiled when the attendant called my name. The atmosphere was quite strange. Nobody seemed to be enjoying the fact that one of the 30 of us could win a really cool job. It was all very tense.

Anyways, I didn't advance but the woman was very nice about it. I definitely learned a lot and got some audition experience which will be helpful later on.

Now it's Spring Break! I get to relax and see my family and practice and eat!

Just sang through my rep

Audition tomorrow. Eeee!

Of course, there's going to be a lot of talented players there. However, I intend to be one of them. It's uncommon for someone still in school to win a job so early. But I've never had a problem with being uncommon. I feel okay about tomorrow however it may go. This week was a mountainous range of obstacles that I feel that I overcame with at least some grace. The performances on Friday and Saturday went well. This morning's concerto wasn't without it's mistakes but overall it was okay. All I have to do now is make it to Berkeley and play well. Which, I am capable of doing. How crazy would it be if I won the job? Principal Trumpet of the Berkeley Symphony at age 20. I rather like the sound of that...

Never again

All nighters. No bueno...

So, yeah. Gustav Holst and the mysticism of The Planets suite. Term paper. 12-15 pages.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccckkkk.

Did it. It took me two nights and nineteen bajillion swear-words and my friends in the Annex until midnight and coffeecoffeecoffee but, I did it. And now I reap what I've sewn. I swear I was healthy on Sunday. It's now almost a week later and I'm STILL sick. My throat/nose/mouth/life hurts.

I made it through the school week. That was: Midterm (that I kind of didn't study for) and Presentation on Monday. Tuesday I turned that paper in and tried to go to work and then practice but, my supervisor told me to go home. Orchestra rehearsal and Dress rehearsal for the Bay Area Rainbow Symphony on Wednesday. Thursday was work and apparently something due in Tonal Counterpoint that I didn't do (WHY DON"T I CARE???) and Friday a mock audition in front of my friends and a pretty good performance with BARS.

All I have to do this weekend is run through my audition one more time, Nail the rest of the Mahler excerpts (....), Perform with BARS again, save my face, play the Concerto at Church, see the Blue eyed boy again, and then Audition on Monday. It's nothing, really.

It's really hard to be positive right now but, I think I'm doing it. I got waitlisted for one of the summer programs that I applied for. Better than being rejected, right? Okay. I'm going home on Tuesday. Then I'm going to get better. Then I'm going to practice, practice, practice and achieve my goals. Ready, GO!

Do I really?

Existential Qualm. Complain. Gripe. Moan. There, I saved you some time. You can now go about your day.

Orchestra rehearsal today was not so much fun. Are they ever, really? Is this what I'm doing with my life? I feel like more often than not, I enjoy the fact that I'm "good" at music. I have an audition for the Berkeley Symphony in two weeks. I'm actually setting myself up to be judged on something that I base my entire self worth on. And I'm not going to compare with the folks who do this for a living. I just won't. So, what does that mean?

So negative.

Walking ball of chill neuroses, I am. Everything is okay, even as I'm screaming mediocrity.

Rejection is Exhausting

I run. I rehearse. I come home and eat and then find out that I didn't get into one of the summer programs I've applied to. The first official e-mail I received. And all I wanted to do was sleep, sleep, sleep. 

This week has been long. And it's only Wednesday. Last week I practiced a lot. This weekend I practiced a lot. Maybe more than I ever have. My teacher this week tells me I sound tired and that I should take a break. I'm really frustrated that I want to be good and I'm not yet. And that working towards that goal is somehow furthering me from it. I sound bad a lot of the time. This makes me angry. I desire to be good. And not just good enough but great. I guess it will eventually happen. Grad school auditions are only a few months away and I'm not ready. I think about this every day...

A little off but not out

Today was the first day in a bit of a while that I have not worked out. It is what it is I suppose. I was productive in other ways. I applied to 2 more summer programs and filed my taxes online. I've also been keeping a detailed practice log which makes me sound like I don't practice as much as I thought I did. I guess I'm only keeping track of my time horn-to-face which isn't really fair because breaks are an effective part of practice. I've been going to the symphony a lot lately, which sort of exacerbates my desire to become great. I think I'm done with this mediocrity. Okay.

I feel strangely today and I'm not sure why. It might be because of my lack of exercise. Or because after going to the symphony last night, I stayed up with friends until 2:00 am. Or it might be because I've given up fish for Lent. It's been about 11 days and I've been trying to increase my protein intake and eat a more diverse diet. I've also been experimenting with eating outside of my usual fare for dinner. Tofu has helped immensely in this exploit.  

There was an earthquake in Chile. Upsetting for a number of reasons, not just the tragedy that I'm sure is still occuring there. A tsunami is or was apparently supposed to hit the coast of California. I thought yesterday that something strange was looming in the future. Maybe this is it. I'm not really sure what's going on but the waves seem to be more than just physical and water. 

I believe that sex

should never hurt someone else. Even if you enjoy it. Coming from where I've been, I know what it's like to be inadvertently told that you're worthless so penetratingly. I just wish it was 2008 and we could do it all over again. And maybe get it right this time. Ugh, today has been a long day...I just broke my necklace, I feel like crying and I want to go to sleep and wake up never.