I'm so....

over it.
Angry, hurt, Outraged, disgusted.
I am.
Over it.
I feel like I'm done with this wallowing. Nobody can make me feel better but me. I just want to wake up tomorrow and decide to be in a good mood. How hard is that?
This could all change tomorrow. I feel like I'm done being hurt. I'm not going to get mad. I'm not going to get even. I'm just going to be done with feeling hurt. So, he's not sorry. So, he doesn't know what he's doing. He lacks the capacity to feel empathy and understand where I'm coming from. It's okay. It's going to be fine.
I'm not mad even though it's not fair.
I'm just done for right now.

I almost burst out laughing

It's ironic. It really is. All this time I've been trying to "live in the now" and not focus on the future. That strategy obviously wasn't working and isnt going to anymore because "the now" SUCKS. Hahahahahahahahaha.
Oh, funny funny. To maintain my sanity and composure, I've taken to thinking towards the future. Oh it will be great. Remember in my second year of college when all of that horrible stuff was happening? Yeah that was awful but I'm happy now. I learned so much. I learned not to expect everyone you think you love to feel the same way. I learned to be happy by myself. I learned my family and friends are strong and there for me. I can't wait until I can say those things. I'm going to be able to smile again, I hope. Bigger than before.
This sounds grand and whatnot but, how does it apply to this week? Every time I call home or every time I go near our lockers? I have to plan small scale: Tomorrow, I will appreciate my life and that it's not a lot worse. I will do well in my classes. I will call Mom and we'll talk about good things. I acknowledge but, cant be consumed by the pain.

Value Systems

So, I posted a blog before this with the same title. I didn't really agree with what I was saying so, I deleted it.
I'm struggling with my answers to the questions I have asked:

Q. How can he do this?
A. He just wants to be happy and have fun. He doesn't want to be alone. He doesn't want to think of himself as a bad person.

and with that, I can't fault him. I wish I could be happy. I wish I wasn't alone. I didn't want to think of myself as a bad person and I'm so glad that I don't anymore. I'm not entirely sure that he's not doing this maliciously. He's said that he cares. I don't believe it. He's said that he wants to be friends. But, I don't deserve friends who aren't sorry when what they're doing is fucked up. But, it doesn't matter because I'm an extraordinary machine.

Q. Why do I need other people's validation?
A. Because I give people more power than I should. Nobody should be able to make me feel inferior without my consent. I guess I walk around handing out my consent.
I hung out with an attractive friend last night. Nothing happened because I'm not as promiscuous anymore. I'm slowly learning that I don't need to be in a relationship because it doesn't necessarily make me happy.

Everything that my unhappiness stems from is people with value systems different than I. When someone betrays you, does not apologize, continues to hurt and hurt and hurt. It's wrong. I know this. I guess it's upsetting when people don't agree with me. I know that I'm worth it. I know that I deserve better than this. People seem to disagree.

Q. Why can I love myself?
A. I'm talented, attractive, smart and not a hurtful or mean person. This question is a lot easier to answer.

Again, Fridays are hard

I think it's so funny that I've come back to this place. Only now I feel it's so much worse. At least with the attractive play going companion, I wouldn't see him every goddamned day. I especially wouldn't see him with another person, either. I also wouldn't see his friends and how much they don't care about what he's doing. This friday was really difficult. Not just because I didn't see him but, because of random computer bullshit. Thinking too much about everything. If all human nature tends toward healing and health, why do I want to do things that would destroy me? Part of me wants to call him. All of the time. Another huge part of me wants to try so hard to find someone else and forget about it. This is even more destructive. Why should I need someone else to feel okay? I feel so weak and stupid that I just want someone to hold me and kiss me and love me and tell me that it's okay. I know that this doesn't make anything better. It's escaping and "just having fun" without any thought for how it affects me as a person. I'm supposed to be stronger and smarter than that.

Progress

So, I've made some. It just seems like February 14th was so long ago. It was only 12 days... Ugh. So I went to work and didnt want to punch anyone in the face, which I view as a complete victory. I worked out and went to Best Buy where my computer ( which had a broken backspace key and should have been done a week ago) was still not ready. I got all of my supplementary materials together for the Point scholarship. I got tested for HIV. People asked how I was and I said "better than yesterday". People asked how my life is going and I said "It can only get better". It has to.

Healing time

So, I have taken the advice of many people wiser than I. I won't talk to him for a while just so that I can take the time to reconcile and learn to show compassion without further damaging myself. I told him in the letter that the only reason I feel like the feelings aren't going away is because we continue to drag them out and rehash every time we talk. I feel like I need to talk to him because I think he has the capacity to make me happy. I am slowly recognizing the truth: It's not true anymore. I can't continue to seek out someone who doesn't care about my feelings enough to be accountable. I feel for him, I really do. That's why I partially wish I could help him to figure out how he can do this with a clean conscience and help him to learn that he can't treat people like this. It's not up to me to be his counselor. By refusing to engage with him, I am taking a positive step for myself.
In the mean time, while my heart slowly mends I will continue to live my life and try not to think about him and the hurtful things he's doing. I'm going to practice the trumpet, I'm going to go to a party tonight, I'm going to work and live and learn to love again. I'm going to help my family through a tough time. I'm going to be thankful for the strength they have lent me. I just wish that I didn't hurt so much.

Flexible

My heart is not going to be hardened by this. It's going to become malleable and stronger than it's ever been. I don't want to lose my compassion. I won't lose empathy and love. It's not right and it's not fair and I've been having existential qualms about the world. How can it be such a wonderful place when people are allowed to treat other people like this?
My family will lose the home that my great grandfather built. In 4 months, I won't have a place to go back home to. It could possibly happen sooner but, I can't think about that.
I gave him a letter that summarized all of the things that I've been feeling. He kind of made fun of me that I typed it. He had a hickey on his neck and he said "He was hoping to avoid me because of it" At least he didn't ruefully chuckle like I imagined he would the moment I saw it.
I'm pretty sure I saw the guy that he's dating in the Castro. I had to check on Facebook to make sure it was him. It was.
My friend's ex girlfriend is treating him even worse than Evan is treating me, if that's possible. I have to practice with her and I will be civil and kind. But, I can't pretend that she's a good person anymore.
I can't even begin to think about horrible shit in the world or anything. I'm barely strong enough to survive all that's going on right now in my life.
But I will end this positively. The only thing that I can think of is that after this is done, I will be so much stronger than I am now. And it makes me slightly less sad to think that in a couple of months, a year, 10 years from now, my life and the lives of others around me will be so much better.