It can't come quickly enough

The horrible pain in my chest is finally subsiding. That is one of the best feelings I've had so far. There are moments (short consecutive bursts of them) where everything is beautiful and nothing hurts. One of the funny things about depression is the one of the only reason everything is beautiful is BECAUSE nothing hurts. Days when I don't want to kill myself are wonderful, amazing, near-perfect. According to Jewish folks, Buddhists, and my teacher David Xiques: Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. I touched on it in the back of my mind but, I feel like I suffer because I hold on to the pain because I think it shouldn't be happening. The shock and outrage and unfairness of it all doesn't change the fact. Yes. I was hurt. But, I don't deserve to feel this way anymore and the simple fact of knowing that it won't be always is very, very comforting. I was under the impression that it would last forever. hm. Light at the end of the tunnel...fading...growing..growing?...wait it actually exists?...weird...
So, that's been my life. If only I could make it through until the 22nd unscathed. With minimal effort. Of course I want to be able to relax and read and not run myself ragged and into the ground. I'm looking for happiness and I swear I'll be it this time.
So, patience is one of the many virtues I wasn't blessed with. I always want it now, now, now. If only I was satisfied with what I have instead of wanting what I don't. Changing myself is proving to be slightly less difficult than changing the world.