My happiness

such work it is. I'm trying to get there and it's proving to be so hard. There exists so many inequalities amongst people. I know I deserve happiness and love and warm fuzzy feelings. I wish it were just handed to me as I'm sure it must have been to a lot of people. I might read this later and think "blah blab blah it's not that bad." Then again, someone might be reading this now and think that.
This is where I'm at.
I know so much about what ISN"T going to make me happy. Happiness should come from inside me and be who I really am. Happiness is not: Material wealth, Suffering without speaking, a Relationship, a socio-economic status, the positive regard of other people, being miserable and expecting someone else to make it okay, Schadenfreude...
So, I know what Happiness is not. That's a good step, right? But what is it? How do I get there? Today is just one of the days. I don't really know...
Happiness can't just be something that makes you feel good. if it were I'd buy some drugs, hook up with random guys and be done with it. It's not something that should come from outside. I know I have something in there that can make everything okay. The issue now is finding it. So, the same thing that makes me question everything and makes it so hard to just simply be happy is the same thing that will eventually lead me to an acceptable answer? Ugh this brain, these thoughts, my heart and shit. It's all very obnoxious and draining and I'm so DONE WITH IT ALL. Right now.
Fuck.