Progress

So, I've made some. It just seems like February 14th was so long ago. It was only 12 days... Ugh. So I went to work and didnt want to punch anyone in the face, which I view as a complete victory. I worked out and went to Best Buy where my computer ( which had a broken backspace key and should have been done a week ago) was still not ready. I got all of my supplementary materials together for the Point scholarship. I got tested for HIV. People asked how I was and I said "better than yesterday". People asked how my life is going and I said "It can only get better". It has to.

Healing time

So, I have taken the advice of many people wiser than I. I won't talk to him for a while just so that I can take the time to reconcile and learn to show compassion without further damaging myself. I told him in the letter that the only reason I feel like the feelings aren't going away is because we continue to drag them out and rehash every time we talk. I feel like I need to talk to him because I think he has the capacity to make me happy. I am slowly recognizing the truth: It's not true anymore. I can't continue to seek out someone who doesn't care about my feelings enough to be accountable. I feel for him, I really do. That's why I partially wish I could help him to figure out how he can do this with a clean conscience and help him to learn that he can't treat people like this. It's not up to me to be his counselor. By refusing to engage with him, I am taking a positive step for myself.
In the mean time, while my heart slowly mends I will continue to live my life and try not to think about him and the hurtful things he's doing. I'm going to practice the trumpet, I'm going to go to a party tonight, I'm going to work and live and learn to love again. I'm going to help my family through a tough time. I'm going to be thankful for the strength they have lent me. I just wish that I didn't hurt so much.

Flexible

My heart is not going to be hardened by this. It's going to become malleable and stronger than it's ever been. I don't want to lose my compassion. I won't lose empathy and love. It's not right and it's not fair and I've been having existential qualms about the world. How can it be such a wonderful place when people are allowed to treat other people like this?
My family will lose the home that my great grandfather built. In 4 months, I won't have a place to go back home to. It could possibly happen sooner but, I can't think about that.
I gave him a letter that summarized all of the things that I've been feeling. He kind of made fun of me that I typed it. He had a hickey on his neck and he said "He was hoping to avoid me because of it" At least he didn't ruefully chuckle like I imagined he would the moment I saw it.
I'm pretty sure I saw the guy that he's dating in the Castro. I had to check on Facebook to make sure it was him. It was.
My friend's ex girlfriend is treating him even worse than Evan is treating me, if that's possible. I have to practice with her and I will be civil and kind. But, I can't pretend that she's a good person anymore.
I can't even begin to think about horrible shit in the world or anything. I'm barely strong enough to survive all that's going on right now in my life.
But I will end this positively. The only thing that I can think of is that after this is done, I will be so much stronger than I am now. And it makes me slightly less sad to think that in a couple of months, a year, 10 years from now, my life and the lives of others around me will be so much better.

I'm confused

I've been thinking a lot lately (its kinda what I do) and all these thoughts are so conflicting and I cant seem to reconcile. My remedy? Blogging, of course. So, in no particular order:

I want to be happy again

I dont know when I'll be okay but, I'm aiming for March 13th

EVERYTHING reminds me of him (movies, facebook, school, friends, my house...)

I feel grateful that I've realized that I am not a hurtful person. I am, in fact, full of compassion right now.

I wish I could turn that compassion towards him. So, you're not sorry. You're afraid to be alone and you're just like me in that you want to be loved. But I cant get my head around forgiving someone who believes they have done nothing wrong.

I dont need anyone's validation. Admitting you're wrong doesnt make it any less fucked up. I know that what you're doing is horrible. I hope one day you realize that you cant treat another human being like they dont matter.

I feel intensely unhappy with my job and living situation. I'm afraid that I wont be able to handle existing in this space. I'm also worried that maybe I'm just being melodramatic.

It's going to get better. It's going to get better. It's going to get better

I am so flawed

and yet, I am perfect. I hesitate to say that. Most likely, it's somewhere in the middle. But, I am not a mean, rude, or hurtful person. It's going to take a while for me to believe this. But, I came up with it today during work. I am learning a lot about myself in the past week. Some of it being actually good. I am learning that nothing is EVER bad enough to make me want to quit or give up. I was reading my blog posts from 2007 and 2008 and I'm realizing that even though I have grown so much and learned a lot, this current product is only a progressed version of that kid back then. He had a lot of good things to say. I'm greatful for the opportunity to learn that I am not a bad person. And that I don't need anyone's approval or validation to know that I am utterly and totally worth loving. The people that love me are right, and it's taken a broken heart to realize that positive or negative regard doesn't necessarily matter. I know for a fact that I will be okay. Just by being myself. That being said, I am in one of those ups in what they call "ups and downs". Tomorrow, I may very well go back to the Dark place that I have grown accustomed to inhabiting. But, I know that it's not permanent. And this doesn't define me.

I Cried

Today, I cried for me. I was walking down the road to the bus stop and i saw a guy on a motorcycle get hit by a car. He was twitching. I dont know what happened to him but he could have very well died. I possibly witnessed a death today. I cried for him. I sat down next to the bus stop and bawled in front of strangers. I cried for his family and what they would feel when the police told them. It's not his fault but, he got hurt. I cried for us. I cried for the world and how shitty it is right now. After that, I saw a couple holding hands in the car. I missed my MUNI. I was late for my junior qualifying English exam. I hung out with a friend and all I could do was ruin her day by talking about him. And how I hurt. And how he doesn't care. I was reading my blog comments today and I was so thankful for them. Apparently, I'm brave to realize all this stuff. I cried so hard at that. I dont want to have to be brave. I want to be okay.

25 Things about Me

So, I thought this would be cathartic. Aside from being self obsessed, this provided me with a silly and effective way to get my mind off of things for a little while. If you read, I'd like to hear thoughts!

25 things about me

1. I really, really like eggnog
2. My trumpet has a name that only I know and won't tell anyone else
3. I wish I had taken piano lessons when I was younger
4. I'm intensely dissatisfied with every aspect of my life. I'm pretty much miserable and waiting to get better.
5. When I was little, I thought everyone wanted to be my friend. It still makes me sad that this isn't true.
6. The only thing that keeps me from quitting my job is the thought of quitting school. I hate pretentious people, fake smiles, corporate attitude and waking up at 4:30am.
7. I have the strangest relationship with my mother. Its pretty hard to understand but she is the only person who loves me unconditionally.
8. I want to be Craig Morris when I grow up.
9. I might be the most contradictory person you've ever met. You, myself, life, i contradict everything.
10. I dislike eating and love sleep
11. I lived in the midwest for two years and made some of the closest friends i have today
12. I'm a communications major which means i analyze everything you do and say
13. I live in a cooperative household. We share everything: food, beds, clothes. Everything
14. I'm seeking psychological counseling because I have issues with self esteem, trust, hate, relationships...i'm all kinds of fucked up.
15. I view the inabilty to turn down drugs, alcohol, and food as some sort of character flaw in myself and others
16. I'm proud of my vocabulary
17. After this summer, I plan to officially be a senior at SFSU
18. I love to sing. Right now, singing is the only thing musically that makes me happy
19. It bothers me when teachers go too fast. It bothers me even more when they go too slow. The second happens a lot more than the first.
20. The only thing in which I am confident is my ability to speak
21. I will live in spain before, during, and after august, 2027. There is going to be a solar eclipse there
22. Up until recently, I was under the impression that someone loves you in spite of your flaws. It's going to take a lot of time for me to believe this again.
23. I feel like I accurately gauge how attractive I am and how attractive I am not. Apparently, nobody agrees with me.
24. I have an addictive personality. This (among other reasons) is why I dont do drugs or drink.
25. If I could do anything in the world it would be to just be happy with what I have