Sol ti re fa

So, here I am in Nipomo. I feel like I've reached a half cadence in my life marked by a firmata. Will it be followed by deception or authenticity? I need resolution.
Such a music geek. haha
This is a brief respite from the horrible existence that was my life in San Francisco. I'm becoming momentarily invested in the happenings here so that I can rest and come back refreshed to interact with everything that's going on there. It's unfortunate but, everything here seems to remind me of shit that seems to keep happening without me. I got a call from my future housemate. Apparently I got the place. This I'm looking forward to. However, I don't know what the transition will look like and I'm scared. And of course, even though I logically set out to establish a guideline that would prevent me from thinking about him, I still do. Sadly, I am also reminded of how foolishly and inexpertly I have given my heart only to be ridiculously hurt. In every sense of those words. I am living here for 10 days and already I would like to return to some life that has gotten a little bit better. Even though I know that once I return I will need the break again. I miss. I miss so much.

I created a good day

Yesterday, was in comparison to the last two months I've had, fairly okay. I went to work, studied for and took a midterm, had that conversation, went to talk to prospective future housemates and handed in an assignment for Discourse. Oh, and I got an 86 on that midterm. I'm okay with all of this somewhat mediocre positivity as it beats the hell out of the rest of my week. I didn't cry today. Well, a little but thats okay. I felt a little better afterwards. And that was my goal, right?
I'm really not sure how I feel about the house or that one "Special Friend" guy. It seems that I'm either abandoning or being abandoned at this point. I wish I could be there in both cases. It's just not good for me or either party right now even if it's what I think I want. I have so much love and sadness. I just wish things were okay. But, I'm going home tomorrow after being with friends tonight. That's what matters right now.

I've decided

Yes, I do want to have that conversation with him. I know it's not going to go as well as I'd like it to. But, there's something to be said for getting shit off my chest and some guidelines established. I need to feel at least a small sense of closure. Something. Anything. I do not want to be spending all of Spring Break worrying about what I'm going to do when I come back. I went to magic class with my housemate last night. That was an experience. Definitely. If I wasn't so enshrouded in misery, it would have been awesome. As it stands, I think the universe has a little more sense of humor than I thought. At least sometimes. There was so much synchronicity going on last night. The whole conversation centered around "authenticity". I choose to be authentic in everything I do, remember? Doing what your heart says because your head has been conditioned and programmed by the past. My heart says this situation is wrong. It has a lot of stuff to say. I don't really care about the repercussions. One thing that I thought holds particular resonance in my life: the heart doesn't care about outcomes.It's about the process. If there's someone that I need to say something to I should say it, yes? I still feel like I love him, even though my head tells me no. And I don't think the situation can get worse. Basically, I'm doing that little thing that has the possibility to make my life a tiny bit better. Closure, Catharsis, Something. I'd give anything right now not to feel like this.

Worst

You know, the worst is over.
ha. not true. Everything that I have lived through pales in comparison to what I am living now. The worst is over? No, I've beaten that already. The worst is now because I don't know if I'm going to make it through this. It's not even in reference to a specific event. Just this ever-present feeling of "Wow. This is my life right now". It's there, even when I have my "good" days. Good morning, constant ache in my chest. Wind ensemble concert today. He was playing the "ignore" game today and even though I want more than anything to talk to him pretty much all the time, I know it's not a good idea. I was so afraid of his boyfriend showing up. I can't imagine what I'll do when I see them together. Or rather, I can imagine a lot of unhealthy possibilities none of which I want to experience. I just wish that the last two months didn't happen. I'm in the weak part of the cycle where I just want to cry and be sick and fall asleep for days. All that I have to do is make it to saturday. Then I'll go home and everything will be far away. If only it could be forever. I'm fairly sure right now that I would do anything to make my life even a little better. Not even all the way okay. Just a little better.

Weather the storm

It's been a funny week. I feel like everyone is feeling the residual effects of friday the 13th. My shift lead came in to work today and told me that he wanted to go home and curl up into a ball. Really? Finally, a way I can relate to the guy. I think my viola major friend is feeling it, too. The bullshit at her house is taking it's toll. This whole month has been very trying. I feel like I've been learning to thrive on misery. Or at least in miserable situations. Maybe this weird feeling is the reason he wanted to talk to me. This whole situation is so wrong. At the very core. If I could just start over, it would be great. I wouldn't make the same mistakes. I would learn from new ones.

Dissapointment

So, I didn't get the Point scholarship.
It's harder than I thought it was. Like everything. I think I'm so strong and then BAM.

Nope. You're still fragile, and fucking broken. Just get your shit together already. Thanks.

-The universe

Ugh. Everything STILL reminds me of him. I saw that hideous fucking shirt he always wore on someone else this morning. I miss that awful thing. We talked yesterday and now he feels better. Great. I'm glad. I'm not sure how I feel but, it's not about that now, is it? I just wish someone was there for me. I wish I didn't have to be so alone. Why, now? Why don't I get to make mistakes with my life that I can enjoy RIGHT now? Because I'm strong. Or something. And because circumstances dictate otherwise. The Universe is apparently conspiring to shower me with riches. Right now, I just feel like I can't do it. It will change. I'm going home. I'm going to be okay.

Interesting

I cut myself at work the other day while cutting banana bread. It was an interesting experience, actually. I knew it was going to happen before it happened but that didn't make it hurt any less. The thought that flashed into my head immediately was:

That was a stupid mistake I could have avoided. Does that mean I deserve this pain?

I learned from it. It still hurts, though. When is it going to stop, I wonder?