Friday, February 27, 2009
Again, Fridays are hard
I think it's so funny that I've come back to this place. Only now I feel it's so much worse. At least with the attractive play going companion, I wouldn't see him every goddamned day. I especially wouldn't see him with another person, either. I also wouldn't see his friends and how much they don't care about what he's doing. This friday was really difficult. Not just because I didn't see him but, because of random computer bullshit. Thinking too much about everything. If all human nature tends toward healing and health, why do I want to do things that would destroy me? Part of me wants to call him. All of the time. Another huge part of me wants to try so hard to find someone else and forget about it. This is even more destructive. Why should I need someone else to feel okay? I feel so weak and stupid that I just want someone to hold me and kiss me and love me and tell me that it's okay. I know that this doesn't make anything better. It's escaping and "just having fun" without any thought for how it affects me as a person. I'm supposed to be stronger and smarter than that.
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2 comments:
So I read the letter, thank you and I'll do my best to respect your wishes and give you time.
I took your advice and have started reading your blog (I just caught up) and so I'll have to be content with that medium of checking in. I'm reading a lot of good things I'm slightly to read your comments when you're not so down on yourself
I hope it's ok that I am commenting on here and if you feel like I'm intruding please tell me so.
I really do regret that I had to end our relationship in this manner and I only hope things can be patched eventually. I still care about you and I hope someday you can see that,
Love, Evan.
Gian, you deserve so much more than this. You deserve someone who takes responsibility, respects boundaries, and can empathize with your pain. It will happen. I know it feels awful now, but, trust me, you'll look back someday and realize that he did you a huge favor by letting you move on. The comment from "special friend" is superficial and stunningly unreflective. Sorry to be so blunt. Be brave; let the love and regard of well-meaning friends and family buoy you through this hard time. I know it sounds trite, but this is a rite of passage in a way, and one day you'll appreciate that much more the real love you receive from someone who's mature and selfless enough to deserve you.
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